Why do I try to do God's job when He does it so much better than I can do?
Recently I've been facing new challenges living in America.This past week has been the hardest yet.I didn't realize how hard it was until yesterday when Josh asked me, "What’s wrong?You seem to be overwhelmed these past few days."
Tears began to well up in my eyes and I just clung to him.It was one of the longest hugs I've had since I've been here, but it just didn't ease the dullness I felt. "I’ll be fine," is all I could muster.I’m sure he didn't buy that, but he had to return to work and left.I had a long list of things to do and so I began to head out the door as well.As I reached for the door knob it was almost as if everything inside of me began to break down.I couldn't leave.I was frozen and almost instantly I began to sob.I thought I was going crazy.
Thankfully God let Josh forget his computer and twenty minutes later Josh rushed in to grab it.After one look at me, he detoured from his computer and scooped me up in his arms. "I don't know why I'm crying…I don't feel normal…I don't want this job…everything is difficult," I barely was able to make out through my sobs.
After sifting through my emotions we easily came to the conclusion for my unrest.I had recently agreed to take a job position as a personal assistant.I never really felt comfortable about it, but needed a job and so I said yes.
I felt I had found a job and so I should take it.I didn't realize I was making myself sick from worrying that I couldn't find another one if I let this one go.I wasn't trusting God to provide the right position.I was just grabbing at whatever came my way.I didn't want to be jobless nor did I want people to think I was lazy and so I took the position (even though it made me uncomfortable).
As soon as I realized that I didn't have to take the position and decided to pass on the job, Peace came.It was if I had been enclosed in a small yard with a tall fence. I felt claustrophobic and everything was closing on top of me.But as soon as I took my eyes off the fence and focused on God the fence fell down.I didn't feel frightened or nervous anymore.Instead I felt light, free, and calm.
Twenty minutes later I had an interview and moved into the final stages of another position that I had been wanting.Why do I try to do God's job when He does it so much better than I do?
Lately I've been having a lot "missionary moments". Earlier this week, Kelly, Aimee and I were watching a movie one night and all of a sudden we all heard an airplane. Without thinking we paused the movie so we could listen to it, jumped off the couch and ran outside. Once outside we immediately began searching the dark cloudy sky hoping to catch a glimpse of the plane. Each of us speculated why it was near us and wondered out loud why we couldn't see it. Needless to say, we all started laughing once we realized what just occurred.
What's so wrong about frost in November? Well, techinically it is summer here in South Africa. Last Saturday it was about 90 degrees and then four days later there is frost. I had even packed up all my winter clothes and had to pull out scarfs, gloves, and my winter coat. Luckily, the cold weather only lasted a week and the next Sunday it was back to 90 degrees!
It has been so exciting these past couple of weeks working with the coaches. They finished the curriculum, but most exciting was that the last chapter was on having a new life in Christ.
Our testimony times, during our meetings, usually last 5 minutes, but recently I didn't want to stop after 40 minutes. Each person had a story to share of how a student stopped smoking, decided to no longer practice homosexuality, or made the decision to wait until marriage to have sex.
The room was electric as they were sharing. One right after another and then back again. I haven't ever seem them like they were. Joseph (pictured above) shared how he had the opportunity to lead some students to Christ! God has definitely moved this year.
Having four people making dinner at the same problem poses some problems. Especially when the only two of the four burners work when the oven is on. But I guess our biggest issue is the toaster. Where to plug it in? We found a solution, although it may not be the safest!
What does expired really mean? In reality, it just means that it isn't at the preferred consistency for eating. But preferred to who? Many Basotho drink soured milk and they enjoy it. So expired to me is actually the preferred time. I've come to terms with expired items after living in South Africa. Many times items on the shelves at the grocery store will be expired. I used to care, but not so much any more. Just this morning I ate a Kellogg's Pop-tart that "expired" in January 2008, over a year and a half ago.
It tasted just fine, which is kinda scary. Oh well, when you want an American treat, you eat it, even if it expired years before.
Late last night, I welcomed my new housemate, Jace, home. It's great seeing her passion for what God is doing here and everything He has planned. It's always strange trying to figure out how to cook in a small kitchen with four people, making a new shower schedule, and learning each other's quirks all over again. Even though having another person in the house is sometimes difficult, it is fun having another person to spend time with and she brings a new energy to the house!
My car is fixed and so Aimee and I took it out to celebrate. We drove a little over an hour to another small town nearby and spent our day relaxing. Why would we drive an hour to another small town you ask? Well take a look:
Yes, we drove an hour for goodies. But luckily we were able to make a full day out of it by eating at and Irish Pub and Grill and watching a movie. It was a day well spent and tonight we finish it off with a game night with some of the staff here. Gotta love those kinds of days!
Even though it was 9:30 at night I still stopped by and ordered and BigMac. I couldn't help it. It just tastes so good. And then I even set my alarm so that I would be up in time to eat a Sausage Egg McMuffin. Sad, but true. My stomach ran my schedule for the day. It's not every day that I have the opportunity to eat at McDonalds and so when I'm in Johannesburg, I try and stop in to say hi to Ronald. The food and atmosphere are the same, bright yellow and red decor, screaming kids in the play area, and of course the identical smell of greasy fries. (Which they still call fries, even though everywhere else in South Africa they are called chips). It is as I'm just transported back to America for a little bit. Maybe that's why I crave it so much!
It has been awhile since I posted last. Life goes by so quickly and before you know it, it has been two weeks. My days have been full, but not long. I had the chance to teach the coaches three days this past week. I love teaching them. I feel in my element. I feel so alive. I live for when they grasp a concept on leadership or feel more confident in how they can communicate a difficult topic to their students. This is why I am here.
This past weekend before the weather changed to bitterly cold, it was actually decent. A few of us staff headed out to the nearby National Park, Royal Natal. The area is beautiful, even in the winter time when it's brown.
On our hike we encountered Baboons. They are pretty scarey in person. They actually attach humans and so we sang songs and carried rocks to throw at them if they got to close. Life is strange. I never though I would write that last sentence, but there it is.
I'm asked a lot what the weather is like here. Well, I thought I'd share what happend yesterday: My bedroom was in the low 50's when I awoke and 2 hours of heat blasting it had only risen to a mere 62. Apparently I live in the coldest country of Africa, in the coldest province of said country, and very likely one of the coldest areas of the province. So unfortunate! Hopefully it will be back to semi cold the rest of the week!
While visiting the Sangoma,the young girls did a few traditional dances for us. None of these dances are for consulting the dead, they are just part of tradition. Kelly and I wanted to learn how they danced like that and so we pulled a few of the girls off to the side to ask. They began to show us and within 20 seconds the drum was going and everyone was singing and circling us. I guess it wasn't as off to the side as we were hoping. Oh well! Hope you enjoy!
The people were so excited to see us trying. They dressed us in the traditional outfit, with a grass skirt, beaded headband, and beaded necklace.
In Basotho culture, young girls were a grass skirt until they hit puberty. They then receive an animal skin over top of the grass skirt. Once they are married, they receive another skin that covers their chest and back.
I have been trying to dye my hair darker for the past, hmm year, and each time it comes out lighter. The lady that does it for me keeps saying she doesn't know why. I finally took it in my own hands and used a box dye. What do you think?
Before:
After:
I really like it. It finally is what I've been wanting. I'm still trying to decide if I should put in highlights or not. They came with the box and I can't make up my mind so I decided to save them for another day.
Most weeks in my life are relatively the same. I know what to expect when and each week generally takes on the same schedule. This rule applies for most of the year. When I'm driving mission teams to the village for their ministry my week schedule becomes a little tricky, but generally stays the same. Here is a look at my schedule. This was taken back in March, but like I said, it hasn't changed much:
I like to color code. Green is for discipleship classes. Black are either coach classes or meetings. The brown writing is ministry related actives. Red squares are pay days (for the coaches). And orange is staff or personal information!
Being pretty far from any form of entertainment we have found good ways to have fun. About every to every other month we have a party. Not just a get together, but a full blown party. We decorate the house, dress in costumes, make appetizers, main dishes, desserts, and do anything and everything in between. Well since there aren't enough holidays in America to celebrate we steal from other cultures. May is known for Cincode Mayo around here. Cincode Mayo is a Mexican holiday celebrating the unlikely victory in the battle unlikely over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. (According to Wikipedia). Well this year was no different. Confetti, chili lights, fried ice cream and even a pinata! We had a good time:
You are probably wondering why the weird face. Well what you really can't read is the sign in the reeds. Here it is blown up:
That's right. It says, "DANGER HIPPOS." Although Hippos eat plants, they are one of the most dangerous animals in Africa. They are very territorial. I don't know what the little fence is supposed to do behind me, because it definitely won't keep out a charging hippo. But hey, I guess you have to hang the sign somewhere!
This last month, my department of the ministry has been pretty slow. The schools had break and so most of the ministry work I normal do was put on hold. This gave me some free time, which was very welcomed! Since minstry related work was fairly light I took a vacation. My housemate, Kelly, and I headed to the beach. We spent four days in the sun or at the movie theater. Even though the weather wasn't hot enough to swim and most of the time we had to leave our clothes on, it was so great to just nap in the sand. It was a much needed and refreshing break.
One of my favorite moments was having the opportunity to go to an English speaking church service. It felt like I was back in the States. We had worship with about 200 other people all singing English songs that I knew. It refreshed my soul. You don't know how lucky you are to have a great home church until you leave.
Today is the coldest morning that it has been so far this year. Without indoor heating except for the use of space heaters the house can be very cold. My alarm clock has the temperature on it and this morning in my bedroom it was 54 degrees F. It's funny though because I'm getting used to it being chilly in the house. When I first arrived 70 was cold and now when it is 68 in my bedroom I don't need a sweatshirt or blanket. The body is amazing at adapting. With the constant space heater on my room tends to become very dry and so this year I splurged on an electric blanket for my bed. It is wonderful! I don't know why I didn't buy it two years ago.
Driving mission teams on the weekends definitly has some perks. For instance I get to take up close pictures of lion cubs like these two. I actually had to crawl in their cave like den to take this one. Good thing they were seperated from their mother!
I mentioned in a previous post how much I love flowers. They make me smile more than most things do. The wild flowers are dieing off now as it is becoming colder during the night. It makes me sad to see them go. Kelly and I decided to go and have a photo shoot in the middle of them during one of our lunches so we can remember them throughout the winter months. I though I would share my happiness with you:
This makes me think twice before going swimming. Even though I know we shouldn't have these in the lakes and ponds around me, my imagination runs a little wild. I took this picture when I took a mission team on safari a few weeks ago. We only have smaller Monitor Lizards around there. But I still wonder.
Do you ever wonder what my office looks like? Do I work in a mud hut? How about an open field? How about a building with four walls? Well none of those actually. My office is round, so it doesn't even have four walls, but it is nice! Take a look:
One thing that Africa has taught me is to be creative especially with food. Not only do I ask strange requests like having my own snickers mixed with Wimpy's ice cream, but I spend hours in the kitchen making things that would ordinarily take a few minutes to just drive and pick up. My housemates and I had a rather usual craving for Chinese one time, but this night we went all out, egg rolls and all. Orange chicken, rice (of course), and you can't forget the egg rolls. We home made every part of the egg roll, from shredding the cabbage to hand rolling the homemade dough for the shells. They were delicious. Well worth the effort!
After mastering sushi, egg rolls, orange chicken, calamari, we need to move on to food from a different part of the world. Perhaps we'll try Greek food next. Who knows!
Ice cream here is completely different than it is in the States. Really the only good kind is vanilla. I'm the type of person that likes chocolate and then a ton of stuff inside the chocolate. My absolute favorite is cake batter from Cold Stone, but I can only have that in my dreams here. The other day, Jenn and I were driving a team for ministry and we stopped for lunch at our local One Stop, which is just that. One stop for everything: gas, quick groceries, antiques, crafts, a few restaurants and so on. Well we had just finished lunch and had a craving for a snickers ice cream blizzard type thing. Nothing like this really exists here and so we had the idea of buying a snickers from the gas station and asking the fast food place to put it in the ice cream.
So we tried it. We explained that we wanted it mixed in the ice cream, but they put it on the bottom and top of the cups. It actually turned out nicely. Next time though we will definitely be using the word "blend" so that it can actually look more like a DQ blizzard. Not bad for a first try though!
The greatest possible thing happened to me today. Well, not the greatest, but pretty darn good. Today I went back to the same school that I got stuck in the mud while delivering books. I decided to go a different way, for obvious reasons, and again there was a mud puddle. I wasn't alone this time and Kelly emphatically encouraged me to go through it and so I began.
Just then, like God was cheering me on through the radio, "Chariots of Fire" began blaring through the speakers. I felt empowered and able to drive through any mud puddle that was before me. There was nothing that could stop me from reaching the top of the ever increasing hill. It was glorious! I don't think I could ever have a better driving experience in my life.
Thank you Jesus, for making me laugh, smile, and take on the mud!
Today I went on a Sunday stroll with my roommate. It was a gorgeous day without a cloud in the sky. One of the perfect days where the sun is hot, but the wind is cool. I love those. We decided to walk a different route than we normally do. The path we were on was fairly rocky and uneven so we were looking at our feet most of the time. We also had to be looking out for snakes so we weren't really paying any attention to where we were going. It turns out we missed our turn and walked and extra 10 minutes. It was a nice day so we didn't mind too much, but it really got me thinking.
Just another instance that God spoke out of the randomness of my day. He seems to be doing that a lot lately. It made me wonder how many times I have been so focused on the small problems right in front of me that I forget to look at where He wants me to go. If I want to stay on the right path I need to pay attention to both. hmmm
Tonight I drove into a cloud. Not fog, but a cloud. With three mountains on the property, almost every person's house is at a different elevation. Luckily, I live at one of the lower houses. Tonight I drove a fellow staff member home. The stars were beautiful outside my house, but by the time I had reached his walkway I was fully surrounded by clouds. I didn't really notice it until I had to turn around to head back home. It was such a gradual change.
It reminds me of my Christian life. How I can suddenly realize that I'm in a cloud and can't see the stars anymore. It doesn't have to be a sin issue, but that I can gradually slip into routine and miss out on the intimate relationship. The only way to notice the clouds right away is to stay focused on what I should be able to see, God.
One evening I came home from work to hear one of our baths on. It was coming from our spare room so I was a little intrigued. I turned the corner and this is what I found:
Kelly, giving a wildebeest's skull a bath. Sometimes questions are better left unanswered.
Not having anything to do can be boring, but out here, we see it as an opportunity to find something creative to do. In the past we have cleaned a swimming pool, looked for dinosaurs (don't ask), hiked the same mountain countless times, picked flowers, steal coasters and put them up for ransom, and the list could go on.
One afternoon this past month, Kelly and I were a little board and decided to go see a friend. Unfortunately no one was home, so we decided to try on her clothes and take pictures. I guess you find new and interesting ways to have fun when you live in the middle of no where!
Leadership Summit classes are in full swing now. The students have their books and have begun to share and develop opinions on difficult subjects. One of the coaches, Busisiwe, shared this after her class at Boitsebelo, "It was good to be with the learners and they were very happy and they told me that they are ready to learn more this year because they found out that we talk about hard topics and it will be easy for them to discover the truth about the topics. I am happy to hear that and to be a part of their life to tell them the truth about the Word of God."
I know that God has great plans and this is just the beginning of the many testimonies we will hear throughout the year.
Last year Brian's Circus came to town, but this year we were treated to an even smaller circus, Dream Catcher. A one ring, 10 man circus complete with two and half hours of pure entertainment. We arrived 20 minutes early therefore receiving front row seats, giving me the opportunity to be pulled up front by a clown that spoke through a whistle. As part of the act, I jammed out on an imaginary keyboard along with a guitarist, drummer, trumpet player, and violinist. I will not easily forget my debut!
All of the trouble in getting to the schools was well worth it! Having the opportunity to see the student's faces as their new books were passed out was priceless. After each class I became more energized and strengthened for the next. In one day, I had the opportunity to give 2,025 books to students whose lives can be forever changed by the contents of the book and the sacrifice of the coaches teaching it.
The "Break the Silence" curriculum touches on 10 hard topics that are not talked about in schools, churches, or homes. Topics like drugs and alcohol, sex, pornography, self-image, and many more. The classes are designed to provide small group discussion on each topic to help students begin to talk about issues that have never been discussed before. The book then focuses on the truth about each topic taken straight from the Word of God. I am so excited about what God has in store for the students this term.
Today was one of those days. It started off good, really good. God woke me up and we had a good time together. I should have known then that I would need a little extra to get through the day. The morning was spent delivering books for our AIDS prevention program. Everything was going relatively stress free. I had to drive to 5 different schools in about a 4 hour time period and drop off 2025 books. I had accomplished 3 of the 5 schools by 1:45 and was headed to my 4 with a smile on my face. The next school, Sebabatso, is situated on top of a hill, quite beautiful when you're up there. Well there aren't any paved roads that take you up there and so I was taking dirt roads, that can hardly be categorized as a road. Well a car was parked on one side so I had to go around it and saw some mud. It didn't look deep, but oh was I wrong. As soon as the front tire when in the mud it sunk half way up the tire. I tried everything I knew to get out of mud: reversing, going forward, putting rocks under the tires, and having people push and pull, but nothing happened. I was stuck. To top it off, the area I was in was fairly remote compared to the other village areas and so no one really spoke English. In my broken Sesotho and their broken English I could barely explain what a little white girl was doing driving books to the school down the road. They were very helpful until they realized I had no money and couldn't pay them for their help. (I had to show them my wallet. Luckily I didn't take any cash today.)
I did eventually get out. Francois came to my rescue! During my hour of waiting to be rescued the schools in the area let out and at one time I think I had about 50-75 students (grades 3-9) surrounding the car all trying to talk to me at once. I felt like a famous actress or something, but a little overwhelming.
Do you ever have a song just speak to your heart? Well lately Casting Crowns' song "Voice of Truth" has been doing just that to me. It gives me chills when it comes on. My favorite part is when it talks about having the strength to stand before a giant like David. I thought I would share:
Oh,what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes To climb out of this boat I'm in Onto the crashing waves To step out of my comfort zone Into the realm of the unknown Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The waves they keep on telling me time and time again "Boy, you'll never win, you'll never win."
But the voice of truth tells me a different story the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!" and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh, what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes To stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors shaking in their armor Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The giant keeps on telling me time and time again "Boy you'll never win, you'll never win."
But the voice of truth tells me a different story the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!" and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
But the stone was just the right size to put the giant on the ground and the waves they don't seem so high from on top of them looking down I will soar with the wings of eagles when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me
Our technology is fairly dependant on the weather. If it's too windy or raining our phones don't work. If it is cloudy for a few days our internet doesn't work (solar powered). So for this past week we have been without internet. Which isn't bad until you need to send e-mails for ministry. So today after dropping off a mission team in a nearby village a few of us staff car pooled to the local Internet HotSpot. It's nice to be connect. Now all we need is the sun again!
I feel like I'm in America. Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop and surfing the Internet while watching people walk by in the mall. Later on tonight I will be catching a movie before heading back to the hotel. No I'm not on vacation, but waiting to pick people up from the airport. I'm enjoying my evening off though. It's nice to be back in the hustle and bustle of the city (at least for a little while). If I stay too long though, I miss home. I crave my bed, my bathroom, my squishy couch, and my food. You know how it is. I guess I should soak it up while I can!
Do you like icecubes in your drinks? I do, most of the time, except in my juice, but that's besides the point. The other day I went out to lunch/dinner and asked for a coke with ice and this is what I received: It has three icecubes in it. It made me laugh. Three icecubes in the summer's heat isn't going to last long, but at least it was cold for the first few sips!
When mission teams come to minister they almost always want to go on a safari before heading back home. Most teams need someone to drive them to the safari lodge and then to the airport. Because of this, one of the perks of being the missionary and driving them to the lodge is that we usually receive a nights stay in a nice lodge and dinner. Although I have to do some catch up work, or prepare ahead of time, it is nice to have a short break. These last few days are spent helping the mission team members develop a deeper desire for what God is doing in Africa and leaving them with a lasting image of the vision of the ministry. This next week I am participating in helping one such team and then picking up another from the airport. It should be a good time of connecting team members with God's heart.
I recently read an excerpt from a book called, "E-mail from God for Teens" written by Claire and Curt Cloninger. I'm no longer a teen, but it was good any way, so I though I would share. From page 11: Dear Child of Mine,
Have you ever lost something that you didn't really expect to find again? Sure, you rummaged around the house looking for it, but since you didn't actually think you'd ever find it, you didn't really look with much hope or expectation. You know what happens in those situation? Since you don't expect to find it, you rarely do.
Some people look for Me like that. "God is out there, but He's so far above me, I'll never reach Him." Believe Me when I say that if you put your heart into looking for Me, you'll find Me! I am so close to you. Open the eyes of your heart and really look. Expect me to be here, because here I am.
A couple weeks ago I dropped three cereal bowls on my toe. Although it put me out of comission for a week, my toe won! The doctor had to drill seven holes in it to release the pressure, but I'm back to running and driving again. It still looks purple and I think I'm going to loose my nail, but it does neat tricks when you paint it like changing colors. Luckily it is becoming colder and so I'll won't be wearing open toed shoes for too much longer!
I finally have my car! Isn't she beautiful?!? It is a Nissan Almera, 5 speed, power windows and doors, and 4 tires. God had it all picked out for me. He even saved me $2,000! Isn't He great?! Thank you everyone for all your support that you contributed to my car. I can now go grocery shopping whenever I need to, praise the Lord! I'm so excited about it. Today Kelly, Aimee, and I took it out and played tennis, but it was so great to be able to have the opportunity to take it. I'm looking forward to all the fun memories that I will make with it.
I bought a car! I wasn't able to bring it home just yet, but I own it. It is a Nissan Almera. White, unfortunately. I really wanted a blue one, but it was too good a deal to pass because of the color. I was able to get it for R20,000 cheaper than I anticipated so I was really excited. I'm heading up tomorrow to actually bring it back. Pictures will soon follow!
Today I am on my way to purchase a car. Hopefully. I know that God has a good car for me and will lead me to it, so please pray that today I hear where He is leading, if He is leading. It is scary to spend so much money, but exciting that I will finally have a car!
This process of finding a car has stressed me out, but God keeps telling me that He is the one buying it so I don't need to worry. I guess He knows a whole lot better than I do. I'll just be glad when the process is over!
Do you want to be part of what God is doing here in South Africa, but are not able to come at this time? You can donate to help me stay here and disciple the Basotho. You can donate online or by check. If you donate by check please make checks payable to Covenant Global Evangelism and mark Cassie Phillips clearly on the memo line. You can then send check to the following address:
Covenant Global Evangelism | PO Box 367 | Eaton, OH 45320